Yesterday, I met an individual whom I found rather interesting. Conflicting, really.
As he approached me, I felt an energy of insecurity; a fake genuosity intertwined with a deeper awareness absent in most humans. However, I also felt a dark and heavy cloud of sadness, as if he were wandering lost in a scary and lonely place.
After a few minutes sharing stories of positivity, I noticed he continuously referred to his divorce as a part of his conversation…the worst divorce in history.
This man did not know me. In fact, this was his first time to even meet me. He was simply an acquaintance of my beloved from over a decade ago. Someone he once knew. As is usually the case, his sudden resurfacing in our life was not because of a genuine care or need, but because he selfishly needed something from my beloved and used their past as a portal into our present.
As I chatted with him, listening to his stories and observing his mannerisms, I was unable to comprehend his constant need to talk about his ex-wife and all that she took from him. What made it worse is that he proclaimed that he had actually remarried several years ago.
WHY would he continue to put his best foot forward by sharing with ME, a total stranger, and tell the stories of his horrible divorce? WHY would he even litter the conversation with such negativity?
After listening to his darkness, speaking about how ‘she’ had robbed him of hundreds of thousands of dollars and how much he ‘hates’ her and she hates him, I finally put an end to my interest, set a boundary and said, in regards to his stories of divorce “I hope this isn’t what you want people to know you for. It was nice to meet you”.
I walked away.
People divorce. They divorce for ALL kinds of reasons, but it seems like the ones who are betrayed, whether by a physical affair or an emotional affair, or those who realized they married a ‘gold digger’ of sorts seem to suffer the greatest trauma, the greatest inability of healing and a significant amount of negative energy…more than any other.
In this story, the wife was a ‘gold digger’ from Columbia. She wanted money, or the appearance of having money. I’ve seen her and heard many stories about her from those who ‘use to be’ friends with her. These countless stories aren’t far off from truth. She even made considerable efforts by using her ‘practice’ as a holistic physician and my beloved’s vulnerability immediately following his previous marriage as an attempt to obtain citizenship for her sister from Columbia by ‘attempting’ to get them married. An attempt that failed because of my beloved’s own awareness.
The woman is certainly a classic gold digger with manipulation at her core. Even today, she is the same.
Her side of the story revealed a marriage where she ‘discovered’ her husband, who she claimed was a drunk, to be fucking their secretary. A woman to whom he, years following, is married to. They were in medical practice together, serving the public in wellness, but in reality, creating toxicity and negative energy in those they attempted to heal.
SHE took him for hundreds of thousands of dollars and yet, HE got custody of their daughter. Over and done. Right?
Both have since remarried, and they survived the WORST DIVORCE IN HISTORY. But did they really survive?
In listening to this man, my heart instantly reached out to the new wife of just 3-years! Does he carry this energy into his marriage? Does she know how ‘hung up’ he is on all he lost instead of what he gained? Would she be pleased to know how he spent the better part of an hour speaking of his EX? Probably not!
If you have experienced a divorce, I am certain your divorce was HORRIFiC! No matter the circumstance, it is a death of something you wanted at some point; the death of something you probably gave everything of yourself towards and may have even took for granted.
But from death comes life. New life and new opportunities.
Trying to heal from the betrayal of your spouse who was fucking her trainer, banging his secretary, sexting OR inferring sexual innuendos with women or men on social media and liking their sexy photos, banging the boss, talking on the phone with former boyfriends or girlfriends in plausibly deniable attempts to ‘hook up’….this shit is REAL and it HURTS.
The reality is that IF you are experiencing these struggles in your present, you KNOW you aren’t (or weren’t) with the one who LOVES YOU for YOU or the one who values YOUR relationship.
You cannot meet your future spouse in a BAR or as the result of an affair, and expect the relationship to be strong. Not saying it is impossible, but it requires much healing and growth to overcome many of the toxic aspects of these kinds of relationships.
Honestly, every ‘bad’ relationship I’ve experienced or helped others through, the signs have been present almost immediately, but WE simply choose to ignore them. You know if your spouse is abusive, misogynistic, is an addict, sexually perverse/deviant, vain and shallow, materialistic, secretive. The signs are almost always present whether through their history or their patterns of behavior.
Once you make the decision to terminate the relationship KNOWING the red flags proved TRUE, this is where the healing is suppose to begin. Where the growth happens!
It’s normal, even natural, to FEEL a wealth of emotions towards someone whose patterns and behaviors have hurt you or someone who has betrayed your trust, which IS THE CORE of a relationship.
Anger. Disappointment. Sadness.
But it is through these feelings where we find the healings!
I have the opportunity to converse with hundreds of individuals on this topic and it seems to be a steady truth….MOST are hanging onto those negative feelings and refusing to heal them and move forward.
HOW can you begin to love another if you are unable to love yourself enough to get well?
HOW can you go into another relationship and formulate a solid foundation of trust if you are unable to forgive someone who did not love you, even though you got out of the situation?
HOW can you commit to yourself or anyone else when your energy is still, years later, STUCK on the EX?
One of the most beautiful gifts my beloved and I gave to ourselves and to one another was the gift of healing. As he learned to let go of the abuse, neglect and betrayal from his ex-wife, he learned to HEAL himself. He learned to release any feelings of negativity towards her and close the door to the past. No contact. No conversation. No energy put into any facet of what use to be or who she is now. He no longer puts energy there. Conversely, as I forgave my ex for the abandonment, addiction, physical abuse and countless emotional affaires, I was able to send him off with a sense of peace, closing the door to my past with him. No conversation about him. No contact. No energy. This gave me a freedom to put forth the energy into my beloved.
When you put your energy into the negative actions and behaviors of the PAST, the brain will step up and relive all of the emotions and feels from that experience… if you let it. Over and over.
You become trapped in you mind because you refuse to heal the wounds. You cannot grow if you are stuck. You cannot create the beautiful relationships with yourself and the relationship with potential others if you are writing checks on an account that no longer exists.
Your experience, as we define as divorce, is no worse than the individual next to you. They simply learned to embrace the lesson, close the door and look at their journey with greater focus and a positive attitude.
We have all experienced the worst ‘divorce’ in history, so let it go.