“Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography”…how you criticize yourself and others is the OPEN BOOK to the very kind of person you are.
Do you have a need to TELL others what they SHOULD have done or SHOULD do in a given situation?
Do you have a need to TAKE OVER a situation even though someone else is handling it, but just not YOUR WAY?
Do you FEEL as though the way someone performed a task, job or handled a situation was NOT as it SHOULD BE?
Do you need to tell people what they SHOULD have said or handled a situation?
Do you BELIEVE your input to be feedback, even if it DOESN’T respect the other’s side?
Do YOU walk out or SHUT DOWN when someone offers their side, defends themselves or wants to discuss?
Do you seem to respond to MOST things, whether directly or to someone else, with a NEGATIVE comment?
When YOU make a mistake, do you call yourself NAMES/CUSS…ie…you idiot? You could do more! I’m stupid (ugly, fat, retarded).
Do you seem to micromanage people and tasks, always having ‘something’ to say?
You are a CRITICAL person and you need to get a grip on YOU. If several people have told you that you are critical or controlling, you probably are. This isn’t a situational thing.
****It’s a serious problem with YOURSELF.
Criticism is not healthy. In fact, it will accurately predict the eventual destruction of a relationship with a parent, a child, a partner, a friend, a client or a coworker if it:
*Attacks the personality or the traits of an individual such as being too needy, too emotional, makes fun of the way they talk, too lazy, too stupid, silly, too nice to others.
*Blames someone else…it’s his fault I forgot to file my taxes; it’s your fault I gained weight; it’s my exes fault I am depressed; it’s my wife’s fault I cheated on her; it’s your fault I stepped on your toe…you should have worn shoes.
* Does NOT include calm and realistic strategies for improvement…ok, I see you forgot to put up your dishes 3 times this week, let’s see how we can help you remember (NOT-you should know better and just do it without being told).
*Holds a one-sided, one way only RIGHT way (your way) to believe, live, do things.
*Belittles a person or mocks them; yells at them; makes fun of them, even jokingly; attempts to put them against another (well your husband said we shouldn’t use those words!).
Start back at childhood.
Were YOU criticized as a child by your MOM, DAD, GRANDPARENTS?
Children are INCAPABLE prior to the the age of 7-8 to distinguish between criticism and REJECTION due to the brain development at this age.
Their cognitive development only allows them to ATTACH to a caregiver because he/she is their SAFETY (think Maslow). They cannot rationalize mom’s bad day or emotional illness, dad’s yelling or belittling or high expectations or even grandmas rigidity and constant need to be right. It’s either safe or unsafe (rejection).
Being told their behavior is BAD is equal to an emotional death for them. ‘Your a good girl, but what you did is BAD’ signals rejection and tells a child they are BAD, HORRIBLE and UNWORTHY.
If they are PHYSICALLY punished in combination with the criticism, they begin to SELF-CRITICIZE internally. This is because it’s easier and less painful than being REJECTED!
As they develop, they begin to take on traits of their own CRITICIZER and adapt similar beliefs or behaviors. They may not become physically abusive, but you can almost SEE the guardian in their past as they criticize another.
By the time they are young adults, MOST begin to be highly critical of others, while maintaining an internal and possibly outward pattern of NEGATIVE SELF-CRITICISM and NEGATIVE SELF-TALK.
Fun FACT: Criticism by a partner or spouse is directly linked to BREAKUP and DIVORCE with 90% accuracy!
If you self-criticize, you criticize others!!!! Guess what…YOU are a critical person.
I am so stupid.
I want to be like her.
I cannot ever get it right.
I’ll show HIM next time.
I’m an effin retard!
I could have done more.
I should have done that.
I wish I was as fit as her.
I should have chosen that.
I am so weak.
I should have said that.
I don’t have the genetics for that!
I cannot believe I forgot that!
I’m such a f**k up.
Making sure you tell people what they need to do or how they need to do it or when it needs to be done is CRITICAL. If this is what you do OFTEN, you are critical.
Make sure you do W, X, Y, Z.
You always forget to do X…make sure you do it.
I know you will probably mess it up, so make sure you get it done this way.
As a survivor of criticism, i know what it is like to be criticized. It takes time to overcome the critical tongue of another. It takes time to build healthy boundaries and no longer tolerate another’s constant criticism or projection that you ‘never do it right’ or it’s half-ass. It takes warrior strength to experience criticism and let it roll OFF, recognizing that it’s NOT about YOU, but a TRUE PORTAL into the broken soul of the CRITICIZER!
“I give feedback; you’re critical. I’m firm; you’re stubborn. I’m flexible; you’re wishy-washy. I’m in touch with my feelings; you’re hysterical!”
Criticism TELLS THE TRUTH about the person who is constantly criticizing; it has nothing to do with the one HE/SHE is criticizing.
Think before you speak.