I have been in deep reflection all week!
I’ve been searching for answers and explanations to my own confusion, as well as opportunities for deeper healing and growth.
I don’t typically write on topics that are specifically self-directed, but tonight, it might be about me and only me!
I had a huge falling out with my beloved this evening. So big that I found myself alone and in isolation. I’ve never really liked being alone, which probably stems from my having been abandoned by my birth father at a very early age. So my first feeling following the slamming door and the silent treatment was FEAR.
My own fear.
I’ve sensed it building all week, through minor irritations and isolations throughout. However, it hit a pinnacle tonight when he sensed my energy vibe and asked me to talk about it.
This became more akin to staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, so I prefaced my answer with a simple ‘please hear me out all of the way’.
I just smiled as I read that because I realized I pulled my own trigger by saying anything at all.
Let’s go backwards a little.
Life hasn’t been the easiest or smoothest adventure for me. I have been through many traumatic experiences and have come out standing. I have lost so deeply, deeper than most could even comprehend. And yet, I stand.
Abuse, abandonment, rape, narcissism, cult, addiction, grief and so much more.
Even here and now, I have fought my way through so many challenges dealing with alcoholism, which was not new to me but at this level, it was new.
In all of my experiences, the main challenge has been understanding and learning to TRUST again.
As I sat today staring down the gun barrel of whether or not to suck it up or speak my heart, I chose my heart and how I felt. It’s been a long week of isolation and I needed to speak.
My beloved is a very trustworthy man, and even though I hold great respect for his integrity (which he doesn’t believe I do, but he is allowed his own beliefs and opinions as we all are), I am still growing in the area of full trust.
I was taught trust is an earned thing. We give a certain level to a person when we engage. We trust they won’t stab us or attack us. We trust they won’t throw up on us. We trust they won’t put us in harm’s way or be mean. We trust they will do what they say. We trust they will honor their word. In my line of work, I trust they will follow the path to their goals and honor themselves.
As we grow, we become more vulnerable and trusting that they will bring no harm emotionally or physically to us through lies, manipulation, abuse or behaviors that hurt the relationship. This trust takes YEARS to develop, flourish and bloom.
…until they do something that violates our trust.
Then we are left internally rebuilding the trust. This can be cyclical or a one-time occurrence.
For me, current trust behaviors stemmed from abandonment when my beloved would drink. NO ONE knows what that felt like for me, except me. Nights not knowing if he was ok, or what the next day would hold.
Would he stop? Would be kill someone driving? Would he poison himself? Would he keep lying to me about whether or not he was drinking? Did he really stay where he said he stayed? Did people notice how drunk he was? Did he get inappropriate with someone while drunk?
And then we would sober up. Four days of shakes and sweats and missing work and school. Calling in to cancel class because I had to watch his every move so he didn’t sneak a tall boy. No one else was around, just me and my son.
No one knew the frightening experience I had riding out a hurricane with drunkenness and almost delusional behaviors, like telling us we had to go outside that the house was going to collapse on us and then alone after he finally passed out. There was very little trust in the interaction.
I adjusted my entire existence to accommodate this manipulative and deceitful behavior with full TRUST that I had the power to help him.
We are 7 months sober and I am so very glad I stayed by his side. Although my trust is greater now, I still struggle with trust in some instances. And you know what? Rightfully so!
So tonight, I was confused on an issue that involved some element of trust, but more understanding WHY a person you love and have absolutely done everything for emotionally, spiritually, physically could not find any time to just speak kindly to you for a week, but could make time for another in both conversation, proximity and body language?
He felt my energy and I spoke my heart on his request. I explained vulnerably that I noticed EXTRA attention that, I as his wife, do not notice with others. He became instantly enraged, and left.
I reminded him of a situation that just 9 months ago, where he advised a woman and wife who felt her hubby was being distrustful of her. He said it’s perception and how it makes HIM feel that matters the most. The interaction may be benign and innocent, but there is an energy or vibe that he is sensing that may be the other guy’s intention or vibe/thoughts etc. He shard with her that if she cared about her family, she should focus on how they felt as a family and what was best for the whole, not spending ‘innocent’ time engaging another.
I remembered how his profound advice made me FEEL. Trust grew a thousand feet!
I also remembered how it FELT being cast aside all week for ‘duty’ and ‘priority’, adjusting to feeling like a burden and then watching his entire demeanor change, innocent or not, engaging fully and at length with a smile and warmth and even her with similar reciprocity with one who was not his wife, sister, close friend.
I’ve learned through experience that respecting others and their relationships is very important to trust! You don’t know where they have been or how far they have come. There are few males you will see me hug, and mostly ‘bro hug’ style. It’s my boundary. Not just for me, but for others. Perceptions and all.
It was a huge falling out over the way it made me feel and the way my feelings made him feel.
When we argue, are hurt, or in general, experience any emotional situation, we try to recall the words exchanged. We typically don’t get it right, for the memory loses 90% if it’s details after a day or so. However, we remember the way it made us FEEL.
In terms of the situation, who knows the outcome. It’s funny how just one thing can make you FEEL a certain way. How one FEELING can alter an entire pathway or journey. The isolation, however, provided me with a deeper space of self and reflection that helped me realized that we are all a work in progress. No one has the answers or is free from issues. Some will deflect, especially if you trigger them, others will try to manipulate or even unwillingly destroy the lines of communication in others while others will work on correcting and expanding.
But we will all feel.
I miss very little in my world. As an intuit and empath, I sense energies. I sense those who are full of light, those who embrace and I sense those looking for opportunities. I intuitively hug, or want to hug, those who are truly connected to me and I avoid hugging those who are not connected. I know those I instantly like and I know those whom I dislike the second I meet them.
Tonight I feel abundant to have beautifully connected souls in my life who hold me as I work through the situation and who hold space for me and my beloved, who know us both deeply. But mostly for the unconditional love, respect and wisdom they bring to my life….Divinely timed.
And I will remember how that made me FEEL!